VoxSentia

She was in a better mood today

Courtenay was in a much better mood today. And she was really happy about the cake I gave her. She came home at midnight.

What have you done for me lately?

Last night, my neighbor was having a very bad day. She came home and she stood outside my door telling me about her day and how horrible it was. She usually comes to me when she wants to talk to someone. She had gotten into a minor accident, the acting gig wasn't working out for her, and a slew of other things. I gave her a hug to make her feel better. She then asked that I come over in about half an hour to have some wine and hang out. It's not often that she gets out of her shell to invite me over. She's a very friendly girl, but she's a pretty private person. She has always kind of relied on me even though we don't really hang out (like when my neighbor died downstairs or some other problems she's having).  She's young and perhaps I look more stable to her being older and all. But we do talk often by the doorstep since she lives next door to me. Most of the time, when we're home, we leave our doors open with just our screen doors closed.

Anyway, last night wasn't a "convenient" night for me. I just didn't feel like going over. I thought to myself  "I have to sleep early because I have an early dental appointment before work." It's not even like I was doing anything important last night. I was just watching a movie that was almost ending. So in the end, I put my head down on my bed and fell asleep even though I knew that I should have probably gone over to my neighbor's place to console her or listen to how bad her day was. I felt pretty guilty about it last night and I felt pretty bad about it all day today. I thought to myself, "What kind of Christian am I?" I want to help and be there for people but only at convenient times. This is not how Jesus lived his life. Jesus never turned anyone away. He was always compassionate. He had perfect excuses to turn people away. He was dog tired. I didn't even have that excuse.

I thought to myself, "What does it mean to be a follower of Christ?" Recently for me, it's just been going to Sunday services. But God cares about the way I choose to live. The people I care about. Things that I do and not things that I say or think. Would it have killed me if I spent just one hour listening to her? Granted it was 10PM and I wanted to sleep early, I still could have gone to bed early even after hanging out with her for a bit. I was simply just being lazy.

Today, I thought about her a few times throughout the day. I wondered how dissapointed she must have been that I didn't show any concern for her problems last night. I wondered if she cried herself to sleep. I used to cry when I used to feel alone(during my depression years). I have no idea if she did or not, but that's not the point. You get what I'm saying. So after bible study tonight, I went out and got her a little happy-face cake from Gelsons. But I had a feeling she wasn't going to be home. And she wasn't. She probably went home to her mother's. Her mom lives in Yorba Linda. She goes there often because she's close to her mother. And I figured since she was feeling bad, she wanted to be home with her mom.

These are the opportunities in life that I can make someone's life a little better, but I'm selfish. I often complain about feeling like life doesn't have that much meaning--well, or at least that I haven't lived it that meaningfully. I feel purposeless often (don't worry, I'm talking about "meaning of life" in a more philosophical way and in no way going through depression again)-- not finding my place in this world(true calling/purpose; what have you), not finding that much meaning in my job(although I'm grateful), unfulfilling relationships(so far), pursuit of mindless entertainment(although not in itself bad), not reproducing(i have hesitations about this, I don't think everyone should breed), never feeling like I've arrived. Perhaps I would find more meaning if I'm loving people more rather than always looking inward and thinking that something's missing. Looking inward is an indulgent act. I don't mean the occasional reflective kind. I'm talking about self-absorption. That's indulgence. And it's sin. There would be more meaning to my life if I looked outside of myself more often.

Eating only when I'm hungry

I gained about 10 lbs in the last 3 months. For some reason I started eating a lot of food since I got off my meds. I was trying to get healthy, so I just ate all the time, ironically. It's amazing how much food I'm able to consume.

I used to eat very seldom. I felt like eating was a waste of time and I didn't really like food that much. I'm now back to the weight I used to be when I was in college. Yeah, I was heavier in college than in my working years, which is unusual. I used to wear a size 0 pants, but now I wear a size 2, barely. I'm not trying to sound obnoxious here, but I'm a short person so it's not that weird that I wear small sizes. On a tiny person, gaining 10 lbs is like equivalent of gaining 20 lbs.

Anyway, I'm going on a diet now to lose the 10 lbs again. What am I doing to lose the lbs? First of all, going back to exercising. I stopped doing that recently. Also, only eating when I'm hungry. I think that really takes care of the weight issues. Well, at least for me. Perhaps it's more difficult for other people. But I find that if you only eat when you're hungry, you're just not going to get fat. Eating smaller portions is important too. Your body gets used to how ever much or little you eat anyway. In this article I read online, someone said you are "hungry" if you drink a glass of water and you're still hungry. I drink water if I think I'm hungry, but I'm really not.  Here's rest of what the guy wrote about what it means to be hungry.

Here are some signs of true hunger:

   1. You feel truly empty in your tummy vs. your mouth

   2. Anything you eat tastes absolutely wonderful

   3. It is impossible for anything to distract you; you can only think about food.

   4. A tall glass of water doesn’t satisfy you.

   5. Your food won’t require any extra seasoning like salt, pepper, ketchup, or tabasco. Hunger is the best seasoning!

   6. If you are truly hungry nothing will interest you more than sitting down and savoring your f0od. If you feel compelled to do anything other than eat, for example, you want to watch TV, read, or drive a car, you are not hungry!

   7. Discomfort is not hunger. If you are feeling gas, it is due to the combinations of foods you put into your stomach last time you ate. Eating more will not make you feel any better. It is best to wait and let your body digest the food.

   8. And, if you have any doubts about whether or not you are truly hungry, you’re not! True hunger is unmistakable.

One of the funniest sites I've visited

There is a site called, "Stuff white people like." It's a satirical blog written by a white dude about white, liberal, left-wing, upper-middle class stereo-types. Although, I think it applies to Asians too; in fact all liberals. It definitely reminds me of the liberals I went to school with at Berkeley! It basically defines the Bay Area culture. It's one of the funniest things I've read online. Note: It's tongue-in-cheek, humor-intended; a satire. So don't get offended saying it's racist. Besides, it's really more about making fun of the liberal, left-wing hippies, and not really about white people at all. He must have named his site that so that he can generate more controversy, hence more traffic.

Below are his satirical commentaries on people owning new balance shoes, having black friends, having gay friends, owning a Prius, studying abroad , the outdoors, and grad school. He has a list of about 100. Read them all, they are hillarious!

GENIUS!!

Structural changes at work

Whenever a company is growing, it's expected that there are lots of structural changes. I just talked to my boss and he told me of some new hires I didn't know about. They are more of the senior positions who will be taking over managing a few of our products. That manager and architect may replace the current team that I am working with. I really don't want to be the person to tell my team that they don't have jobs possibly in a few months. I always knew that eventually, we'll bring the development in-house. But this became more concrete with hiring of the manager of the application I'm working on. I don't know what that means for me. Probably less management duties for me. Perhaps I'll be switching over my management focus to the Indian test team. Also probably more release engineering duties. When a company is small, you get to fill in for many roles that are not defined yet. But as the company gets bigger, everyone's duties becomes more specialized. When I started 6 months ago, we had 25 people in the office. Since then, we've tripled that number. And in that time, we hired many senior management in every department.  It should be interesting to see what happens in the next 6 months. Times like this, I keep thinking about starting my own side business.

Work is a little stressful

There are times when I am very unmotivated to do just about anything at work. But I snap out of it and think about how I should at least do what I'm paid to do. And as a person who believes in God, I think I have to hold my end of the bargain. It's only fair. I know that a lot of Christians hold to the belief that they should do everything with excellence and do everything as if they are doing it for God. But I really can't subscribe to that for everything I do. Seriously people?

I am thankful for my job. Really I am. It's not too stressful but at the same time there are some challenges and opportunity for growth. I manage a team of developers and testers remotely (Moscow), and will take on another remote testing team(India) coming next month. I'm basically in charge of the development and releases of one of our main applications. So I do some people managing, delegating bug fixes and feature enhancements, lots of testing, delegating testing, and giving the approval for product releases. So I guess I'm like a lead for development and manager of QA.

It's been a bit busy this week. We have a release planned that has dragged out for weeks. I'm a little stressed out because there are expectations from management to hurry up and release. I guess I'm a little more motivated than I was all last month. In the future months, there is going to be a lot more work for me to do, with new hires and new applications/projects developed. I want to do a better job and not be so short-sighted and complain about getting bored at work or about how I want to start my own thing, whatever that may be.

Also, work can't fix your blaise state in life. I think I need to change some things in my life to shake off this general sense of apathy. I probably need to exercise again. I gained a little bit of weight. I'm not depressed or anything. Just not really motivated as I used to be. I've come a long way from last year. I need keep moving forward.

Target Practice, sky-diving, and hang-gliding

I went to a shooting range this weekend with a friend. I had a fantastic time. I used a revolver(the type of gun that the cowboys use in movies) since it was only my second time shooting(instructor recommended). The first time was in H.S using a 22. The next time I go, I'll be using a 9mm. The class was 3 hours long. 1.5 hours of lecture and 1.5 hours of shooting about 48 rounds. There are so many safety precautions that need to be taken into consideration. The movies only show people shootin' em up without showing any real consequences. For example, some guns will go through about 15 walls and not stop at the building you're in. Some bullets travel for about 1 mile if there are no obstructions. These are things that people don't really think about.

I have poor aim. But it was still fun loading my 6 chamber revolver and shooting it. My friend Rasika on the other hand had excellent aim. I'll post pictures later of her target vs. mine. Her bullet holes center around the bulls-eye whereas mine were all over the place. I'll also post the video of us shooting in another post. I need to edit it before posting because of all the inactivity in the clips.

We'll go again in a couple of weeks to practice shooting with a 9mm. And some other time, we'd like to go outdoor shooting.

I looked up sky-diving. But I'm not sure if I'll actually do it. 5 years ago, I would have definitely done it. I should have done it then. But now that I'm older I'm not sure that I want to take such risks. I'm a little more afraid of doing crazy things as I get older. First time jumping costs about $15o, and it's tandem jumping with an instructor. I'm going to have to think about this one.

I've wanted to hang-glide ever since I was a little girl. It doesn't seem as dangerous as sky-diving. But the only problem is, it'll cost about $1000-$2000 before one can do a solo glide. They recommend you jump about 2 times a week before finally doing a solo glide. And it'll cost about $200 dollars each time I want to hang-glide. This one is more of the time and money issue.

Same with flying a plane. I looked into getting a pilot license a couple of years ago, but it'll cost you more than $5000 dollars for lessons and you need the free time as well.

Because of this, I'm resigning to golfing and target practice for now.

Velvet Margarita - damn good pomegranate margarita

I went to the Velvet Margarita in Hollywood for my friend Shiela's birthday this past weekend. She turned 38. She and her 4 other friends her age were there celebrating with her. When I was watching them, I felt like I was in a scene of "Sex and the City." One of them even looked like Sarah Jessica Parker with the curly blonde hair and blue eyes (she's been told many times). All of them are single except one who is married with twins. She had fertility treatments in order to get pregnant. Oh, and she's Jewish. Her story just reminded me of Charlotte from "Sex and the City."

We were just gals out on a night painting the town. But we kind of felt old as we were driving around Hollywood as there were so many young "kids" out and about. And wearing the least clothes per body mass seems to be in right now, from the looks of it. But I guess that's just Hollywood for you. And everybody smokes. I kept thinking I'm too old for this scene.

The food is decent there (traditional Mexican), but I must say, the pomegranate margarita there is excellent! I threw up in the bathroom because I had nothing to eat that day and I drank. Also, I'm allergic to alcohol but I drink anyway. When I came back from the bathroom, I ordered another drink. One funny thing is, they had mirrored table tops. We were joking that we were going to do coke lines off the mirrored table tops.   

Another restaurant that I really liked was Spanish Kitchen on La Cienega. We went there a couple of years ago for Shiela's birthday. I think they had by far the best tasting Mexican/Spanish inspired food I've ever had. The margaritas ain't bad there either. The decor is great; it looks like a Mexican villa.

Here's a picture of me driving to the venue but looking pissed for some reason. And here's what I bought Shiela from Z Gallery. I love it.

   

Hanging out in Beverly Hills, Rodeo Drive

Last Friday, I was being a total poseur or a tourist hanging out in Beverly Hills, Rodeo Drive. I've driven by it many times, but I've actually never stopped to walk around or shop. It was just OK; seeing that you need money to love it here. I had a doctor's appointment, and I went to scope out some restaurants that Rasika and I will be visiting while out and about. I went to see Mr. Chow's, Crustacean, and Spago--all right there near Rodeo Drive. I didn't see any paparazzi although all are celebrity hangouts. What's a Beverly Hills post without a diamond post? Below is the display window of De Beers diamonds.

Below is the Four Seasons Wilshire Beverly Hotel which was prominently featured in "Pretty Woman" where Julia Roberts famously slutted it up. I went to the hotel bar lounge called The Blvd with a friend. It was pretty nice inside. Chill and not crazy loud like bars in Hollywood. There is also a restaurant called "Cut" (by Wolfgang Puck) which was recently visited by Will Smith, Jada Pinkett Smith, Tom Cruise, and Katie Holmes. Don't ask me how I know this; I think I visit those celebrity gossip sites a little too much.

 

Here are a couple of vanity shots of me later that night. I was impressed that my make-up still stayed on for the most part even though I was out pretty much all day. MAC make-up is not bad and cheap.

   

Shooting and golf this weekend

I think my friend and I are going to a shooting range this weekend. I'll probably throw in a round of golf too. I haven't done it in a while. My clubs are sitting in my trunk unused. Also, I'm curious to see if I'm still awesome at bowling. I used to belong to a bowling league for 3 years and my average was 150 and my highest game was 220. I won some tournaments with my handicap score too and won some money in Vegas.